I've discovered that having a "Douchebag Awards" on a blog is pretty played... pretty douchey in itself actually. So is a blog full of opinions about skateboarding and such. So there, now I've bagged on myself and cleared a path for me to incessantly talk shit for a few minutes.
I did my first DB Awards in 2006 and have since seen countless other sites, and even Saturday Night Live doing so. I'm not saying people ripped me off... I'm sure someone did it before me even. It's just that shit gets a little too common after a while and you gotta move on. Perhaps I should rename it the Complete and Total Asshole Awards! Or the Absoulte Jerkoff Awards!
Anyway, this year, in a society full of people doing jerkoff things in attempts to get laid or whatever they're trying to accomplish, one thing has stood out so prominently, that it's the lone recipient of the Douchebag, Jerkoff, Complete and Total Asshole Award for 2008.
And the winner is:
No not the brand itself, or the endorsing athletes... I actually have to commend them all for figuring out how to make assloads of cash off all these idiot consumers during some hard economic times. Hella good marketing!
So for those of you who don't know yet, the main Affliction offenders are the Lee Hottis, the New Haircutters, the Fist Pumpers and Flatbillers. Safe to say, anyone who would be stoked to go to an arcade and play this in a serious manner would probably be stoked on Affliction.
The Affliction wearer makes a bold statement to society. Their $78 tee shirt says "I'm tough and will kick your ass." And "Check me out! I'm about to get wasted, have the night of my life and get some pussy!" And "I'm one of those Neanderthals that sits on my couch drinking shitty beer and watching jacked, sweaty, near-naked men beat the living piss out of one another in a cage."
So very kinky of them...
Or maybe it just says, "I'm one of those fashion victim morons who falls for the 'expensive and obnoxiously hideous allover-printed-for-no-reason tee shirt' thing." You decide. But rest assured they also have some Von Dutch gear collecting dust in their closet from seven years ago.
But the rest of us know they're just jerkoffs who'll kick no one's ass. they'll just end up doing Jaeger bombs, dancing, sweating and administering roofies to to unsuspecting females... or even men. Trust me, I spent 28 years around these kooks growing up in NJ and now I'm surrounded by them in Orange County. They're way more scared of pussy than another dude's cock.
There's been a slight heavy metal crossover into the world of Afflcition, but honestly, the metalheads are a little out of touch. Not to mention they're the original supporters of the totally tough font so prominent in Affliction's gear. So the metalheads are excused. I'll let 'em live this time.
Man, I could go on and on about this one. when I see these people I can't help but stare and wish I had the power to read their minds to wonder how often during the night they think about the Affliction shirt they are wearing. But I'm sick of the sound of my own thoughts already. Until next year... keep an eye out for the Affliction offenders, send photos and stories of your own, document and persecute the douchebaggery and help make the world a better place.