Festivus: Pro-Tec Pool Party 2011
Words: Robert Brink
The Skateboard Mag, September 2011
There are two reasons I religiously attend the Pro-Tec Pool Party every year.
The first is for the free hot dogs. The second is to see Chris Miller win.
Although it’s difficult to comprehend why, while eating hot dogs, so many people feel compelled to tell you how gross and unhealthy they are.
It seems these individuals somehow believe they’ve obtained a vast catalog of exclusive knowledge (most likely through Google) about hot dogs that you, the feeble-minded swine and mustard eater, are too stupid and meager to discover or comprehend.
Okay yeah, we get it Mrs. Einstein. Hot dogs are made from leftover scraps of meat at slaughterhouses or some shit. They are full of sodium and preservatives and feet, intestines, assholes and mucus—all stuck together in a casing not unlike a latex condom or whatever. Ribbed, for her pleasure, of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah … we know, Mr. disciple of Jamie Oliver—it’s gross. All of us uneducated, foolish, baby-palate-having peasants and our hot dogs are completely nauseating and naive and we’re all gonna die from hot dog-related illness.
Perhaps a segregation is in order? Hot dog and non-hot dog dining areas?
Why is hot dog consumption so offensive? What is it about the act of enjoying a hot dog that compels people to actually think their opinion on hot dogs is valuable and worth sharing?
If it weren’t for hot dogs, the world would be a beautiful place.
Eventually the hot dog plague will eradicate hot dog eaters across the globe and only glorious, healthy, invincible non-hot dog eaters will inhabit the Earth.
They will have parades and drum circles and tofu buffets to celebrate the lack of hot doggers on the planet.
And then, suddenly, out of the blue, an overwhelming emptiness will overcome them.
They’ll realize they have nothing to whine about to people who eat hot dogs and the revelation that their life has zero purpose will fill them with misery.
And the question begs to be asked: Why don’t people who like hot dogs walk around telling the non-hot dog eaters that they should eat hot dogs?
Because we don’t give a shit. We have better things to do. Like watching Pedro Barros and Chris Miller win the Pool Party. And witnessing dozens of other legendary pros rip the Combi Bowl a new asshole … after they eat their free hot dogs with a side of Cheetos.
Thank you Pro-Tec. Thank you for the amazing contest year after year. And thank you for giving the world a chance to see Chris Miller shine over and over. But thank you most of all for the free hot dogs.