Robert Brink - Writer

The 2007 Douche Bag Awards...

January 9, 2008 | Skip To The Comments (7)

My Douche Bag Awards went over quite well last year. So well in fact, that I almost forgot about them until a few days ago. Upon remembering, it only took a brief second to determine who the winners are for 2007. These days, people make this shit too easy. So yeah, here's me sounding angry for five minutes and calling out shit that you know people will be embarrassed to admit they did a few years from now.

3rd place: Furry boots

Sorry ladies. I just can't take it anymore. Yes, these things are ugly as sin. Like Ugg boots weren't bad enough, right? You ladies had to go raise the bar of hideousness. Guys do not think they are hot and you don't look good in them. Trust me. Girls probably don't like 'em either. As a matter of fact, I guarentee that girls who actually own them talk shit on other girls who wear them.

Furthermore, all it really makes me think of is a Clydesdale horse. And we all know you girls don't want us thinking about large mammals when we look at you, now do we? Whenever I see these boots on someone I suddenly get the urge to schmear dog shit or spill red wine or puke on them.

2nd place: Full zip hoodies

Like, really, what's the point? Other than to purposely look like a retard and try to get attention for it. Oh wait, maybe it's some gang shit. Oh wait, maybe it's "street." Oh wait, maybe no one needs to actually see while walking around, right?

How come these hoodies also frequently have all over skeleton prints on them and shit? Ya, that's right, all over print... it almost made last year's Douche bag awards with fedoras right behind it. I seen a white-as-hell kid at the skatepark the other day wearing one of these and some whack ass Kanye shades. He was smoking and not inhaling and looked scared as shit. Couldn't skate worth shit either. Just stood there on the platform of a three-foot mini looking stupid.

Fuck man, imagine people put as much time into their skating as they did their weak flair? Buy a new board instead of that piece of shit hoodie why don't ya? Ya, ya, try to call me out on putting more time into skating than talking shit on this blog. That's like, fourth place in the Douche Bag Awards, if I had a fourth place, and besides, it's an ABD here on the site.

And the winner is... Anyone over 21 doing the "Soulja Boy dance" in public!

I was gonna go with "Anyone over 18," but decided to go easy on some kids. Yes, I've seen many grown men and women in public bars, clubs, beaches, malls, streets and whatnot actually doing this dance in public. And they are damn serious too. Of course, they'll try to play it off like they are just clowning around by displaying an "ironic" and totally insecure laugh or body language once they finish, but they are dead serious. How could they not be after spending hours actually memorizing the dance and then doing it in front of complete strangers.

Couple that with the fact that the song and dance are performed by a fucking 16-year old and the lyrics make absolutely no sense, in fact there's barely one complete sentence in the entire fucking song (what the hell do Super Soakers, Robocop, and Superman have to do with anything?), none of the words are spelled right, and what the fuck is a Yule? is that like, the log?

The kid sounds like his mouth got injected with three gallons of Novocaine in the studio before he recorded the thing. And this is coming from someone who has a numb lower lip himself from nerve damage and speaks just fine, (yes, me), with an occasional lisp when I try to say the word "thesaurus." Maybe Soulja Boy has a speech impediment or something? In that case, lemme know and I'll apologize. Remember when Kanye rapped with his jaw wired shut? holy shit, I mentioned Kanye twice in one blog. That's more "street" than full-zipped masked hoodies, right?

I know, I know. I sound like some 60-year old Mr. Crabtree: "This isn't real music! You kids are crazy!" But I'm not hating on Soulja Boy, that kid struck gold 'cuz of all these douches dancing to his shit. Way to go Soulja.. or Boy... or whatever I'm supposed to call you. Get it while you can.